pussy

Dear Rock Band, Guitar Hero, SingStar, Lips, et al,

Let me be clear: I love you. There, I said it. I love music games and I’ve loved you for years. My love affair with you began nearly a decade ago with Samba de Amigo for the Dreamcast. Soon I discovered Dance Dance Revolution, and from there Guitar Hero and on to the games of today. But while I do care for you deeply,  you’re missing one thing: Sexual songs!

Needs more fucking.

I know you’re typically rated Teen and because of that you can’t have dirty words, but where are the Mature-rated music games? Why won’t you let me earn points by rapping about wanting to “Pop That Pussy” like 2 Live Crew? Why can’t I play my plastic guitar along with the melodies of Frank Zappa’s “I Promise Not To Come In Your Mouth?” How about singing along to the sweet sounds of Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing?”

Surely there’s a market for adult material in music games. So much of today’s music has Parental Advisory stickers, so there’s obviously an audience for it. Couldn’t you feature the same songs, uncut? Mature-rated action games like Halo, Call of Duty and Grand Theft Auto are enormous sellers. Why is there an aversion to Mature music games? Do you fear the potential mainstream shock of asking gamers to sings rhymes like “fucking and sucking?” Well get over it! Adults want to sing too!

For your convenience I’ve assembled a short list of sexual songs that could be included in something like SingStar: Dirty:

Peaches – Fuck The Pain Away
AC/DC – Big Balls
Ludacris – What’s Your Fantasy
System of a Down – Cigaro
Tenacious D – Fuck Her Gently
Nine Inch Nails – Closer
Salt-N-Pepa – Push It
The Notorious B.I.G. – #!*@ You Tonight
Cypress Hill – I Remember That Freak Bitch (From The Club)
Electric Six – Gay Bar
Frank Zappa – Goblin Girl
Funkdoobiest – Superhoes
Lovage – Book Of The Month
The Raveonettes – Seductress Of Bums

So there you go, music games. I’ve given you a hot list to get you started. Now let’s get it on!