You cannot stop the hotness.

It wasn’t just Dante’s looks that got me. His cocky attitude and crazy fighting techniques seemed so original at the time. The reason the term “Devil May Cry clone” exists is because this game oozed style and intensity. And plus he had great lines, like telling a giant owl to “Flock-off, feather-face!” Awesome.

Thanks to the success of the original, Capcom decided to continue Dante’s adventures. Unfortunately Devil May Cry 2 was a largely forgettable experience, mostly because Capcom made Dante less exciting and quieter. But in 2005, Devil May Cry 3: Dante’s Awakening took the series back to the classic. They made Dante younger and cockier, and the fighting was harder and crazier. I was thrilled. His DMC3 look is still my favorite version of him.

In fact, I’ve yet to play Devil May Cry 4, mostly because half the game doesn’t even star Dante. What’s the point of that, you Capcom fools!? Give me more Dante! Sometimes at video game stores I look at the racks just in case there’s something new there. It’s not like I wouldn’t have already heard about a new DMC game, but then again, maybe I’ll find something magical. And that magic would make Dante real. And then he and I can run away together and get married and fuck until we’re both blue. Omigod, please someone, draw me a naked Dante. I bet his cock is all shaved and smooth and tastes like supernatural candy–AHEM. Pardon me. Moving on….

In between selling comic books I actually spent a good deal of time at last year’s San Diego Comic-Con searching for just the right Dante statue or action figure.  Sadly, none that I found lived up to my fantasies. So the hunt for something amazing will be on again at this year’s show! And as for the games, I continue to wish for Devil May Cry 5: Pantsless Sunday.

Take, for instance, the 2001 release Metal Gear Solid 2:  Sons of Liberty. After the success of 1998′s Metal Gear Solid, series creator Hideo Kojima knew the followup would have a lot to live up to.  So it was with much controversy that he broke fans’ minds by not having the sequel star the beloved Solid Snake. But after getting over that initial shock, this gamer had something else to scratch his head over: Vamp.

"I'm not a vampire; I'm bisexual, bitch!"

Vamp was one of the harder bosses of MGS2. He looks like a vampire, has fangs like a vampire, and is seemingly unkillable (like a vampire!). However, during a CODEC sequence between the game’s star Raiden and another character, it is revealed that Vamp was not given his name because he’s a vampire, but because he’s bi. At the time I was a 21-year-old, in-the-closet bisexual, and this totally blew my mind. Why the fuck did they make him bi? What did this have to do with the game? Why was this information thrown out there so casually?

I still don’t know the answers to these questions. I don’t recall Vamp ever showing any romantic feelings for either male or female characters. So why did his sexuality matter? Is Kojima secretly bi, and this is his way of  making the statement that bisexuals can be badass? I suppose that’s wishful thinking on my part. But I don’t think it’s entirely unfounded, especially when you take into account this next character.

Colonel Volgin! The evil, red-jumpsuit-wearing villain from 2004′s Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. In between fits of rage and shooting lightning out of his body, that guy totally banged dudes and chicks alike. Unlike Vamp, Volgin actually made his sexuality obvious. At one point MGS3 star Naked Snake (the future Big Boss) was disguised as Volgin’s male lover, Major Raikov. During this sequence Volgin was able to determine that Snake was not Raikov by simply grabbing onto Snake’s bulging package. Seriously, that guy knew his junk!

"Fear my giant penis rocket!"

So what did it all mean? “Naked Snake” fighting an evil bi colonel? This could not have been simply a case of coincidence. I maintain that Kojima was trying to make a some sort of statement. I’m just not sure what. I mean, just look at the game’s subtitle: Snake Eater! Come on, Konami! How much more obvious can you get? Either Kojima loves himself some dudes, or he completely fears them. Or maybe he’s just an auteur who likes to mess with his fans. Either way, I have to give credit to the man for bringing bisexuals into the spotlight in his games.

Now if only we could have some bisexual heroes…

Attach to genitals for maximum fun times.

Get it on, baby! Lots of games are good for masturbating over, but how many times has a game done it for you? Sega’s Rez is that game and the Trance Vibrator is how it’s done.

Originally released in 2002, Rez was a psychedelic-ass music-based rail shooter for the PlayStation 2 and Sega Dreamcast. Like a standard on-rails game, you’d travel through brightly lit levels and blast down enemies. What set REZ apart was that each shot you took contributed to the trance-like music. As you progressed through the level the music became more intense until you eventually fought a gigantic boss. It’s hard to descibe how great it was, but really, it was quite an experience.

Fly, my pretties!

Sega must have thought the awesome music and visuals just weren’t stimulating enough, because why else would they release a peripheral that could be mistaken for nothing less than a masturbatory aid? A one-of-a-kind device, one end of the Trance Vibrator plugged into your PS2′s USB port and the other end plugged into you. Or it could press on you, depending on your preference. As you played the game the Vibrator pulsed in time with the music. As the music became more intense, so did the vibes, giving new meaning to the term plug-n-play.

While the Vibrator was never officially released outside of Japan, imports can easily be found on eBay for around $50. An HD verison of Rez was released on Xbox Live Arcade last year, but sadly the Trance Vibrator was not supported. Come on, Microsoft! What’s the point of those USB ports if you won’t let my Xbox fuck me?! Geez! All hope is not lost though. Luckily if you have a backwards-compatible PS3 you can still play the PS2 verison of Rez…with the Vibrator pulsing in all its sexy glory.