Anyway, check out this picture of the dude pretending to use a Guitar Hero controller.

Goddammit, that’s a nice haircut. I bet it cost $500.00. And is that Eli Roth on couch (in the red)? Why the fuck does that no-talent hack get to hang out and stare at Bradley’s sweet ass? Seriously, that guys loves trannies even more than I do.

No, that sword does not suggest anything.

Growing up in Georgia, I seemed to always fall for the “uninterested” one.  You know, the one that was nice to you but seemed to not be interested in sex at all (with a male OR female at that) and thus forcing one to masturbate consistently to the sexy man’s image until it was confirmed that he either A) had no interest in you whatsoever B) had no interest in men whatsoever or C)  had no interest in anyone whatsoever.  Maybe I just enjoyed the challenge?  I remember pleading with some of the guys I grew up with: “You have a dick! Use it! If not on me then on one of these women!”  I digress.

It was hard to not fall for Cloud when you controlled him over the span of 3 discs and got to choose his every movement.  Lord knows how many times I tried to get Cloud to drop them drawers.  And I felt for Tifa as I thought that she would never get the man she loved.  It was obvious that Cloud was about that paper (or “materia”) and no one was going to get in the way.  He could have at least gave Tifa some satisfaction and gone down on her!

Barret: Big man, big guns, small crotch

And Cloud wasn’t the only one! It’s no secret to those who know me that I have a thing for facial hair and *ahem* burly men.  I’m talking about men who look like they can cut down a tree with an ax… Or their teeth.  Anyway, I secretly hoped that Barrett would take the reigns and just lay the dick down and tell Cloud to take it! Never happened. But a boy could dream.

Gay gamers know the best part of FFVII too:  We got to dress Cloud up in DRAG.  This was my first encounter (and most certainly not my last) with drag and I remember being very particular about which panties I won from the contest in the slums (in the game).  If it wasn’t the most fancy, I would restart my PSX and do it all over again!  I made Don choose Cloud over Tifa and it gave me a sense of satisfaction that’s only second to an orgasm that disappears in an anal cavity. Alas, it was over all so soon when he ripped the dress off and whipped out his sword…

"Must hide my raging boner...."

So before I actually had a real boyfriend, I had Cloud and Barrett.  They were good substitutes and I thank Square for creating the characters. Now all Square has to do is come out with a remix of the best role playing game ever and give us a little more freedom with the characters.  And by freedom, I mean having Barrett fuck Cloud. HARD.

DJ Choclixxx is based in LA. He’s available for parties, clubs, weddings, bar mitzvahs and orgies. You can find out more about him and hear his mixtapes at http://www.djchoclixxx.com.

I don’t know half of their names but who gives a shit? Just fuck ‘em and leave ‘em, I always say.