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Harder, StarFox, Harder!
Jul 7th
Any idea what you were doing in July of 1997? I can tell you what I was up to: Playing StarFox 64! This was a major game for me. Not just because I was a huge fan of the original StarFox for the Super Nintendo, but also because this mofo was sold with Nintendo’s awesome Rumble Pak.
Shook like a motherfucker.
The Rumble Pak was an accessory that plugged into the Nintendo 64 controller’s memory card slot. As is industry standard for home consoles now, this little baby provided force feedback to whatever was happening on-screen. Before this thing came around video game controllers just laid limp in your hands. Sad.
When combined with the action of StarFox 64, the Rumble Pak really enhanced the game-playing experience. I could feel the rumbling of ships, laser blasts and explosions in my hand. And this was alright for a while. But at 17 I had other plans for the little guy.
I’m sure you know where this is going: Masturbation! Running on two AAA batteries, the Rumble Pak provided plenty of stimulation for a teenage boy. I can even remember the first time I used it, too. So get ready for Story Time.
I don’t remember if my parents were home, but I played my video games in our upstairs den, so I had some privacy. I was in my normal game-playing position, on the floor, leaning back against the white leather couch. Fully clothed, I was in my black pants and usual Spawn comic book t-shirt. I had pretty great taste in duds back then. Playing the game, making my way through StarFox 64 for the umpteenth time, it occurred to me that this vibrating plastic apparatus in my hands might have some functionality other than video gaming.
Space Perverts Must Cum!
As I flew my ship through space, blasting enemies, I casually let one of the enemy ships shoot me back. The controller jolted stronger than usual. I looked at my crotch and then at the TV. “Let’s go for it, Fox!”
I gently placed the controller in my lap. Being 17, I was already hard. And for a kid who’d only ever been laid once, a little rumble here and there felt plenty nice. Smaller hits to the ship produced gentle vibrations, while crashes were a little rougher. But I needed something more. I let go of the controller and held it between my thighs. Since I was no longer commanding my ship, a near-instant death was inevitable.
The Rumble Pak was now constantly buzzing, due to the barrage of enemy fire my ship was taking. I squeezed my legs tighter. The vibrating equipment was now pressed right onto my cock. My ship received a final shot and then went spiraling into an asteroid. There was a huge explosion on-screen and a mighty tremor went into my pants.
“Shit!” I said. “This is what video games are about!”
Fuck me, Trance Vibrator
Jun 24th
Attach to genitals for maximum fun times.
Get it on, baby! Lots of games are good for masturbating over, but how many times has a game done it for you? Sega’s Rez is that game and the Trance Vibrator is how it’s done.
Originally released in 2002, Rez was a psychedelic-ass music-based rail shooter for the PlayStation 2 and Sega Dreamcast. Like a standard on-rails game, you’d travel through brightly lit levels and blast down enemies. What set REZ apart was that each shot you took contributed to the trance-like music. As you progressed through the level the music became more intense until you eventually fought a gigantic boss. It’s hard to descibe how great it was, but really, it was quite an experience.
Fly, my pretties!
Sega must have thought the awesome music and visuals just weren’t stimulating enough, because why else would they release a peripheral that could be mistaken for nothing less than a masturbatory aid? A one-of-a-kind device, one end of the Trance Vibrator plugged into your PS2′s USB port and the other end plugged into you. Or it could press on you, depending on your preference. As you played the game the Vibrator pulsed in time with the music. As the music became more intense, so did the vibes, giving new meaning to the term plug-n-play.
While the Vibrator was never officially released outside of Japan, imports can easily be found on eBay for around $50. An HD verison of Rez was released on Xbox Live Arcade last year, but sadly the Trance Vibrator was not supported. Come on, Microsoft! What’s the point of those USB ports if you won’t let my Xbox fuck me?! Geez! All hope is not lost though. Luckily if you have a backwards-compatible PS3 you can still play the PS2 verison of Rez…with the Vibrator pulsing in all its sexy glory.
